Friday, July 1, 2016

20 months, 20 days on the road, 20 floors above the ground

am on a high-speed train from shanghai to beijing. with shanghai organisers of the ALMA being very disorganised (things were happening in chinese, for one) we even missed our own “coronation”. not sure when the money is also coming in for the trip (half of the trip is being funded by the organisers of the ALMA). this is our travel back home. am finally heading over after 20 days on the road. since i met my colleague in shanghai, i have refrained from talking about things that are weighing too heavily in my thoughts. today it was inevitable that we would talk. we got talking and of course we got talking about the ex. it simply brought up the bottled rage. the reminder that everything about him was false, especially his inexistent feelings, the fact that he wasted my 20 months… the last few days of finding myself in a city so different from the cities i’d been to in the past many years, watching the people from the 20th floor, sitting on the window-ceil for days and enjoying the humid air movement in and out of the window brought into motion both by the air conditioner unit outside and inside, i was feeling grounded in my present while this, the conversation i just had, left me reeling with a sick feeling, a disgust and pain. because it reminded me what i was called by my ex, his trasphobia shining through often: “ i can’t have sex with you because you have a cunt”, “you are a bottomless pit”, etc., the last repeated on so many occasions that it almost doesn’t sting. i don’t need reminders of the fact that i had just had seen the demise of the worst relationship in my life where i felt, duly, that i was unloved every single day, that someone who claimed to love me was so ashamed of being seen/known to be with me so as to silently negate my presence in his life in all his dealings with people and online, as if i were some monster, as if i were some freak… and then, i found myself turning into the monster, into the freak... what the fuck had i just allowed to take place in my life for so long?! his only answers to my questions were: “because you wanted it”. he’s right. i did want it, to be with him, but because i also thought he was in love with me. but he never was. i am getting to see this brutal reality every day. he has cursed himself. he will reap his karma. and me? oh well, i will continue to live true to my emotions, which is something he had never done, and something that he would never be brave to do. i wish i was not here.

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