Sunday, January 22, 2017

Farewell

Beloved,

You made my life happy, even if the unhappiness you made me feel was stronger and more constant. Despite anything you think, you really did mean the world to me. I can never say enough thank-yous for being who you were. But we're not exactly on the same page about many things. I couldn't ask you to stay on with me when every time we fought you asked yourself what you were doing in a relationship with someone who you thought didn't care about you. No amount of showing you how much you meant to me fixed it. I couldn't stay with you when every time/night I asked myself what I was doing in a relationship with someone who didn't love me, never truly, not really.

You are so young and you have your full life ahead of you. I am not young, and perhaps, that's why time is even more of an important factor in my life: I am aware of it more so than anyone else. It really is/was time for you to move on and find that someone who will not make you feel what you felt with me, which I am sorry if I'd contributed to, your insecurities, without knowing, unintentionally. It really is/was time for me to move on and live unburdened by this loveless, violent and violated relationship that had turned me into a monster in the span of 25 months. You were in my life. You alone, and no one else. My present is more valuable to me than the past, I never live in my past. I move on. The fact that I care about the people I was in love with at some point in my life only shows that I am a decent and caring human. As anyone should be. And I am moving on.

All those jealousy, insecurity tantrums I threw because of which you felt paranoid, I am sorry for those. But I did throw those tantrums, I did feel unloved, I did feel negated, I did feel abused. You said not even two weeks into our relationship that you never saw the future with me. Because no one does anyway, but thanks for staying. Thanks also for reminding me daily that that was not the reality I could stay in. I am who I am, a very passionate human. For the most part, I've been able to convert all my passion into positive work, but that still is hard to handle on a personal level in a personal relationship, and I understand and I accept. No one really deserves me, never you, especially. In a good way, in a bad way.

You are still learning to be honest with yourself, and I, I only wish this process is finally able to put you in spaces that you would want to find yourself in. So this is it, my final letter, my final piece of anything I will ever write about you, to you. I will always be so proud of everything you do in your public life. I will always be ashamed of everything I had done in my private life to you.  It's time you felt happier than you have with me, it's time I felt human, loved, again. Don't let your nightmares drive you, discover your soul. Godspeed. 

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