Friday, April 21, 2017

Мариенгофтой салах ёслол гүйцэтгэх нь

2017 оны 7-р сарын сүүлээр хэвлэлтээс гарах "Амьдрал, хайр, эрх чөлөө: дэлхийн шилдэг ЛГБТ яруу найргийн антологи"-д багтсан


Сергей Есенин

Анд нөхөрлөлд ичгүүргүй аз жаргал бий,
Аанай солиорох мэдрэмжийн халуурал бий,
Биеийг минь энэ гал
Лаа шиг хайлуулна.

Өөрөөр чадахгүй тул
Өгөөч, гараа, хайрт минь,
Үүрд хагацах энэ мөчид алгыг чинь
Үснийхээ шар хөөсөөр би угаая.
Толя минь, Толя минь, чи минь, чи минь!
Хэддэх ч удаа, хэддэх ч мөч юм:
Хэдийн зогтуссан нүдний чинь харц
Сүү шиг л дахин царцаж.

Баяртай, баяртай. Сарны түймэртэй,
Баярт тэр өдрийг би хүлээж дийлэх үү?
Бахадмаар цуутай бас залуу үеийнхнээс
Баараггүй сайн нь чи л байсан шүү.
Маргааш, нөгөөдөр, хэзээ ч юм,
Магад дахин учирна, хоёул… Гэвч
Айх юм. Сэтгэл гэдэг залуу нас шиг л,
Анхны хайр шиг л элэгдээд дуусна.

Өөр нэгэн сэтгэлд минь чамайг бүдэгрүүлнэ.
Өөнтөгч хүмүүсийн ярианд автан,
Сэлүүр мэт, мөрөн дээрх
Гаслах чих минь л намайг шавхуурдана.
Баяртай, баяртай. Сарны түймэртэй,
Баярт тэр өдрийг би үзэхгүй ч
Омголон, дурласан залуусын минь
Онцгой сайн нь чи л байсан шүү.

Орчуулсан Н. Анараа


Love karma

My two older sisters and I are alike. Not in terms of our appearances, although people claim they can see we're related, but in one single thing: love karma. About a year ago I realised that all three of my parents' children were dealing with love karma issues in our lives, chasing love, as it were, all our lives, never remembering to love ourselves.

There is always a reason why certain people are born in a certain blood family. In all my views about life and death and everything in between and the ways I live them couldn't be more dissimilar to them. Hence, their/my inability to connect any longer in any meaningful way. Or at all. They are ordinary, and at the same time, extraordinary women as far as the womanhood goes: one, labelled a forever spinster despite her long-term marriage to my former brother-in-law, remains living in her tight shell of a life that is all about the past, the grievances, the hurt, the losses, the choices she was denied, never the present; the other, labelled a spiritual visionary and a meditation master par excellance, remains a poor copy-cat of the enlighted masters she worships. One unknown, the other a public figure with the spiritually minded who seek. And me, someone who had supposedly strayed so far from what is considered normal that none of his sisters even acknowledge him as a human. 

When I heard of the heartbreak my older sister was going through since her ex-husband decided to get married to their university classmate, both well into their early fifties, I felt a huge pang of pity. She never wanted her ex-husband to be a part of her life, not ever since he went into a rage at her infidelity (that's another all too long story that is not mine to tell) and beat her up black and blue. She never wanted to be with him because he had denied her motherhood that she dearly desired, but she still felt so heartbroken when, after almost one and a half decades, he finally decided to remarry. I felt my guts wrench when my mother told me what her oldest child, finally in contact after a decade and more, was going through because I know that feeling, too. To know that you've been denied your heart's desire, which eventually ends any relationship, yet to still want that someone to be around for comfort is something that starts a vicious, bitter cycle of complacency, continued desire/continued disappointment (that one is fully cognizant of), frustration, anger, reconciliation, complacency, and so forth, ad infinitum. What hell! It is hellish. 

When I observe everything that goes on with my next sister, I, too, feel pity. Mostly anger at the way she had treated me for the past 20 years, but still, prevailing emotion is that of pity. Despite her looks, her intelligence and her yearning for the higher self, she failed miserably time and again, with me, with her mother, with her son and her lovers. I was planning to do a film based on her mental asylum chronicle that she published as a book in 2013, I guess this is the year I will finally get to it. 

As different as I am from my sisters, I realised a year ago I was, am still going through the exact same process of trying to reach that elusive state of love, of being loved, that we all somehow, inexplicably bear a karma of love. A karma that made us go searching for love in all the not-right-for-us people, not-right-for-us places and left us wondering why we even cared. 



Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Миний хайртай бурханы баримал | The God Statue I love

2017 оны 7-р сарын сүүлээр хэвлэлтээс гарах "Амьдрал, хайр, эрх чөлөө: дэлхийн шилдэг ЛГБТ яруу найргийн антологи"-д багтсан


Муцуо Такахаши


Бие чинь багц багц сараана ба хурьцал,
Бүрэн тансаг, шөнийг гийгүүлэх сараана.
Бөгтийн мөргөх зарц хөвгүүн чинь
Биеийг чинь анхилуун тосоор угаана.
Бүсэлхийгээсээ доош чи
Бухтай тулалдагчийн бариу өмдтэй.
Тансаг хамбан дээрх цэцгэн хээг
Дэгжин хуруунуудын чинь үеүд чимнэ.
Өмсгөлийн доор, хүчирхэг хоёр гуяны дунд
Өд сөд, үнэртэнд боосон, үзэсгэлэнт гүег унтаа биз:
Зөөлөн тэр араатан үнэхээр гайхалтай сараана.
Мөрөвч чинь хөрслөг бор цээжийг чинь илэхэд
Торго мэт арслангийн үс чинь шөнийн тэнгэрийн
Тоолшгүй олон одноос гинжлэгдэн сар мэт гийнэ.
Булчингийн урсгалыг гол мэт хумьсан нэг гар чинь
Дэлхийн цөм рүү чиглэн тогтуухан амсхийнэ.
Газар дээр мушгирах могойнууд мэт
Ганган арьсан хэлтэй ташуур гарт чинь байна.
Гэнэт чи түүгээрээ ташуурдан,
Агаар дээр улайх мөр үлдээхэд
Алтаар гэрэлтэх цус садарна.

Эр хүн, бэлэг эрхтэн,
Ариун шингэний нэрийн өмнөөс
Үүрийн гэгээ цацрах өглөөгөөр
Үзэсгэлэнт морин дээр
Зогсоо дүрийг чинь, бас
Спортын сэтгүүлээс хайчилсан
Ой мэт бодлогошронгуй дүртэй бөхийн толгойг
Мөрөн дээр чинь би зална.

Амень.

Орчуулсан Н. Анараа

***

Mutsuo Takahashi

The God Statue I Love

Your body is made of lily and sex
Piles of strong-smelling, night-illuminating lilies
Upon them your pageboy has spread the ointment of nard
For the lower half of your body you wear a bullfighter’s tight costume
The elegant joints of your big fingers press on the brocaded arabesques
Beneath the costume, between the two overpowering thighs
Wrapped in highly fragrant clouds
Sleeps a beautiful lion cub, I think
The gentle beast is made of particularly splendid lilies
The suspenders press into your dark chest
The night sky framed by the lions silky hair
Hooked to the chain of stars a medal shines like the moon
One arm, gathering the flow of muscles, like a river
Leisurely hangs towards the center of the earth
The hand grips a whip
The leather lash of the whip snake-coils on the ground
You will suddenly jerk it up and imprint a swift welt on the air
From the wound brilliant blood will spurt
I will put your standing figure
On the horse’s fluffed buttocks, in the shining sky at dawn
On your shoulders
I shall put the wrestler’s head as thoughtful as a forest
(I clipped it from the pictures in a sports magazine)

In the name of
Man, member,
And the holy fluid

Amen

Meditation, etc.

The first time that I had ever attempted meditation was exactly eight years ago. My first course in meditation was not meditation per se, although packaged and sold as one in Mongolia, but pranayama yoga-based breathing exercises. After an hour and a half of physical yoga, we did a rapid breathing technique following which we were instructed to lay down. The exercises were strenuous, the rapid breathing ever harder, but right after the last exercise, I started growling. I can't describe it any better: the sounds coming from my throat were growls, startling to me as they were to people around. It was a deep and back in the throat, low sort of sound of a medium intensity. I asked the teacher later if people normally growled after the rapid breathing. She said people had very different reactions, from laughing to crying to even passing out, but she never yet encountered someone growling. I thought it must be my pent up anger, or frustrations, or whatever, I am weird. I left it at that.

I did the breathing exercises for a few more months before I learnt reiki with my friend who introduced me to her reiki master. That spring, summer and autumn of 2009, I was deep into various meditation forms while waking up and going to bed with a single thought "I must transition." It should be no surprise that I became more aware of my need to transition just as I began to do the meditations. At the time, I knew enough to understand that my desire to transition will not disappear in time, the need having grown stronger and more urgent as years passed. In addition, the news of my dear friend passing that spring was a true wake-up call to begin living as my true self, to finally begin to embody my soul through my body. All that year was about listening to myself through different forms of meditations and to realise, once and for all, that I could no longer deny or be denied my reality of a trans man. Unfortunately, my ex never understood it, her refrain always on the ready "But our marriage will be over." For a little more than two more years, I endured for the sake of my love, of our marriage for it's the toughest choice when it comes to trans people and our love lives: do we choose to become ourselves, or do we choose our love? Eventually, sooner or later every trans person chooses the former, and always for the better. As for meditation forms, I stuck with the Buddhist vipassana since 2011, the year I spent, survived and thrived thanks to the psychologist who was counselling me; I always remain deeply grateful for the mental health support I received at the time.

To go back to the meditation: the reason I am reminiscing the spring of 2009 is because I am taking up the breathing-related exercises again. While online, I discovered a great book about the breathing exercises and the connection of the larynx to the pineal gland/third eye. The very first exercises are about learning to use one's larynx to hum. And that's when it hit me what that growling episode was: the rapid breathing exercise brought about some level of activation of the larynx, hence the growling. And then it hit me again that I loved to lay down and simply hum when I was younger. The sounds were not Mongolian, though, they were very desert-swept, drawn and even mournful. The first time I went to India and heard the mosque prayer, I realised the tunes I had been humming for years were exactly those. So equipped now with a growling and humming history and with an intention to relearn all the meditation forms I had learnt years ago, I go forth. This will be an adventure of a lifetime!


Sunday, April 16, 2017

ШИНЭ ЦАГИЙГ ТУНХАГЛАЯ

тэр цаг нь зөвхөн миний хүссэн зүйлс, зөвхөн миний хүндэлдэг хүмүүс, зөвхөн миний хайрладаг мэдрэмжүүдээр л дүүрэн байх цаг. үнэндээ өөрийнхөө төлөө амьдарсан хүн гэдэгтээ би өөрөө эргэлздэг. яг өөрийнхөө, анараа гэдэг хүний төлөө, би яг хэдэн жил амьдарсан бэ? жил биш байлаа гэхэд яг хэдэн сар?... бодууштай. "гичий, гөлөг, янхан, сэтгэц мэдрэлийн өвчтөн, хүчирхийлэгч, амиа хорлохыг гурван удаа оролдсон сэтгэцийн өвчтэй бас аутизмтай эр эм нь мэдэхгүй юмбасга, секс хийж чаддаггүй, юу ч хийж чаддаггүй, хийсэн ба хийх бүгд нь хог новш" байхаа больж, "анараа" гэж нэрлэсэн сүнсийг дахин олох, магад түүнийг жинхэнээсээ анх удаа хайрлах цагийг тунхаглая.

өөрийгөө хайрлах гэдэг амархан юм шиг мөртлөө хамгийн хэцүү зүйл. ялангуяа над шиг өөртэйгөө болон ертөнцтэй дэндүү шударга хүний хувьд. хайрлам мөртлөө өөрийнхөө хийсэн, хэлсэн буруу үг, үйлдэл бүрийг хэнээс ч илүү мэддэг, тэрийгээ дандаа мэдэрдэг учир. хажуудах нь мэдрүүлэхийн дээдээр мэдрүүлдэг бол тэр тусмаа. төгс хүн байхгүй ч бид бүгд л өөрийнхөө хамгийн төгс хувилбарт хүрэхийг хичээж буй бодьгалууд биз дээ? хичээгээд ч үл хүрэх тул үл хичээх шинэ цагийг тунхаглая. өөрийгөө яг одоо энэ цэгт байгаагаар нь хайрлах, өөрийнхөө үнэ цэнийг санах, төгс биш учир алдсан, оносон, умартсан, ухаарсан, уучилсан, орхисон, бүгдтэй нь хамт хайрлах цагийг тунхаглая.

"өөрийгөө хайрлахгүй юм бол өрөөлийг яаж хайрладаг юм? амень!" өөрийгөө л хайрлах цагийг тунхаглая. өөрийгөө хайрлаад эхлэвэл, өөрийн л амрыг бодож эхлэвэл, өөрийн л тухыг бодож эхлэвэл, чадвал миний ертөнц хөмөрч, урьд хожид хараагүй, ойлгоогүй, анзаарaaгүй зүйлс намайг алмайруулна даа. тайвширна даа.

шинэ цагийг тунхаглахад заавал шинэ орон зайг тунхаглах ёстой болно. хэзээ бол? сэтгэлийн бус, биет орон зай. монголоо, монголын лгбт хүмүүсээ гэж энд яагаад үхэн хатан уягдсаар байсан бэ? энд хийх ёстой зүйлсээ гүйцээсэн, хангалттай.

шинэ цаг, шинэ орон зай ба би.

шинэ цаг айсуй.


Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...