Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Good news, meh news and no-news

My ex-wife might be joining us for the Pride, am hoping the gig works out that will bring her back to Mongolia. For a moment I realised that I was experiencing, in a flash, all those happy and inspired, and sometimes tough, very tough years that were, all in all, the happiest of my life. 6 years since I saw her last. Often I truly missed her because she was and still is one of less than a handful of people on this planet who ever got me as a soul, as a human. Not as a trans man, though. But we dealt with it as best as we could, came to terms with it in our own ways: Rob moved emotionally and geographically with her personal life, I moved on with my oh-so-real and in-the-body-grounded post-transition life that has been taking me on an endless roller coaster through places and spaces I never thought I would experience - still, I say, it's all for good. When she left Mongolia in early November 2011 to join her then-new partner, we were supposed to have farewell lunch, but we ended up not having it as I demanded the plates back that I was sure she had (my favourite Japanese, dark green and black fish plates), she insisted she didn't have them. I decided that she had broken them knowing how much I loved them, so decided that I wouldn't, after all, see her. Felt fully justified in my decision until years later my mother told me that she was the one who had those plates all that while, that I had actually left them with her in the autumn of 2009. Me and my obsessions with my things... Pretty damn autistic. So yes, anyhow it's time Rob saw what we had dreamt into a reality together back in 2005-2006. Much has happened, much has changed since those days and she will certainly be more than happy to see all of this with her own two eyes.

Meh news: after many months and efforts to make sure my former colleagues are able to understand and continue the work at the Centre, I have finally had enough when I saw that the project proposal sent from the Centre had unacceptably worded meanings that were, most of all, false. I can only do so much without being involved hands-on, but even if that is being rejected for whatever the reasons, I believe it's time to make myself sparse. I am good at quitting things, especially when/if I am not valued. So, henceforth, it's absolutely hands-off. No-news: the final and complete breakup with my ex-boyfriend (the first and hopefully the last one in my life) has led me to start living as cleanly as possible: no junk food, vegetarian diet, a beer or three once every 2-3 weeks, etc. A much-needed change that was in the coming for a long time. An extreme detox of 10 days of water fast, followed nowadays by mostly fasting mode, still (out of mostly necessity due to no regular income as well as my desire to shed the excess emotional and physical weight that had become too much of a burden). Back to basics. Back to extreme basics. There were many times in my life I had gone through life without much except the roof over my head, a daily dose of salted biscuits and unlimited coffee. As basic as that. This time of detoxing and leaning down my life will probably become the norm as I just don't see how I will ever regain whatever I had lost. Something beyond the physical, something of my soul that I was robbed of that, for now, I will continue to search within. Too much has been lost that I can never allow again. No more soul-killing relationships. No more being taken for granted. No more of being denied my truest self which was/is love, but which was denied and forgotten throughout that strife of wanting to be loved so desperately that I kept pinging and pinging till I hit the dead zone for the echoes of things that never were there in the first place. A realisation that it was a dead zone from the beginning. Me and my obsessions with love. Time to keep them as theoretical as possible since in reality there is no love to be had from people. Not even from the so-called best of them. I guess I will live to tell the story, after all. I had my doubts in late March and again in April, but now is the time to put them down in writing.

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